Men Ruin Clubbing

When i’m not being a hermit, and actually bother to leave the house to attend a discotheque I remember how much I enjoy clubbing. However, when I do go clubbing I am reminded of how annoying people are. None more so than men, straight ones to be precise.

When I’m raving I’m very low maintenance, as long as I’ve got a nice level of inebriation going on and the music’s good, all I need is a minute amount of space to get me a lil 2Step going. “Why can’t every be like this”, is what i ask myself no less than 30 minutes of being there.

Let’s start with my biggest gripe. Dudes, why can’t you just leave women alone? Now, I’m not talking about the “can I buy you a drink” “would you like to dance” “you look very nice tonight” dudes (although…). I’m talking about the ones who will not take no for an answer, the ones who will grab girls as they are making their way through the crowd and pull them to dance as if the girls weren’t trying to get somewhere. Like how do we live in a world where you tryna go to the toilet to piss or shit and have to spend 5 minutes explaining to some crusty looking cretin that you do not want to grind with him (y’all don’t deserve women). Guys, I can guarantee you will know when a woman wants you to touch her and when she doesn’t, from things like body language but primarily by when she tells you no.

Now, all the girls that I’ve been clubbing with are more than capable of handling themselves (strictly Black Belts in my skwod), so whilst I am heavily protective of my peoples (and women in general) it’s not everyday saviour mentality, so I suppress the urge to intervene immediately and let the situation play out. But I can guarantee you if I see a girl in a club (that I know or otherwise) tell a man no more than twice I will swiftly be up and in your business because what the fuck do you think you’re doing. And what will piss me off even more is that I have to intervene for but 0.5 of a second and Mr man will hit me with “ah sorry man I didn’t realise”. How you didn’t realise when she told you ‘no‘ multiple times but all I have to do is tell you “I think she’s ok” once and you’re suddenly complicit. Why are y’all like this.

Also annoying and quite honestly makes the least amount of sense to me, are the donnies who will position themselves half a metre away from a girl they like the look of and just stare at them for the next hour +.

Like, what do you hope to achieve?!

Why am I tryna jig foot with your mug standing in front of me motionless for the entire night.

Why am I being made to feel second-hand discomfort whilst you attempt some creepy ‘come-hither’ face.

Looking beyond my urge to make funny and joke about experiences in the club, men out here being a real problem. For me the club is a chance to listen to good music, have good vibes and sweat it out through the medium of dance, I can understand that not everybody goes to the club with the same intentions. Maybe you do want to find your life partner in the club, or just your night partner. But what should and needs to be paramount regardless of your end goal is that you don’t ruin the experience for other people. And i’m not talking about me here, my momentary discomfort amounts to nothing in comparison to the perpetual discomfort and even fear women are made to feel.

If you want to dance with a girl and she says no then that means no. If you want to buy her a drink and she doesn’t want to take it then that means no, it means you move on with your night, not harass her with follow-up questions as to why. But on that note, if you want to buy her a drink and she says yes, she is not required to give you anything else. You made an offer, you gave a gift, by basic principle of gift giving you don’t do it with the requirement that you receive something in return.

#MenAreTrash and you can fight me on it. Don’t @ me bout ‘Not all men’ or ‘that’s a generalisation’ cause correct it is, and by definition generalisations don’t apply to everyone. However, if you got bun perhaps you were standing a little bit too close to that misogyny fire, ok! But don’t worry, the male privilege fire-blankets are always at the ready and in infinite supply.

All I have to say is everyone should go to the club to have a good time but you’re good time shouldn’t cancel out someone else’s. Let me close this out with some of my other discotheque gripes.

How to annoy me in the club:

  • Lack of spacial awareness. Now I can dance, so if the club ain’t big i know how to refine my leg shaking to accommodate. But you people who are flailing arms like windmill, kicking leg like Can-can, I hope you meet a painful demise similar to being hit/kicked for an entire evening because you couldn’t keep it cute.
  • Drifters. Look unless you’re a girl I know, or a guy I’m tryna kick it with, I don’t need you attempting to catch wine off me. How are you backing further and further on to me and not noticing. I’m not a wall bruh.
  • Always on the move. I and the majority of the clientele came to this club to dance, but you clearly came here, to walk back and forth. If in the space of 30 mins you have been to the toilet twice, got a couple drinks, gone for a smoke, had a deep meaningful convo, and done no dancing you’re doing it wrong. But most importantly you moving past me every 2 minutes is stopping me from dancing. Go utilities your pedometer elsewhere please.
  • Sometimes on the move. Them ones that start to move through the crowd and just as they get in front of you (causing you to make space and stop dancing) decide to take a break and look around. Fam, if your bladder was weak enough for you to move from where you were in the first place you don’t need to be taking no breaks until you get to your destination.
  • Zimmer frame. If you’re in your 50/60 why are you clubbing with 18yr old? If you like the music and came to dance then cool (I guess) but old dudes lining the walls is just unacceptable behaviour. If you can recall the good old days of M25 raves than I suggest you leave and go find them.
  • Stepping on my motherfucking feet. That’s all, I somehow manage not to do it, to people, can’t be that hard.
  • Pissy shoes. Needing to rinse your shoes in a vat of bleach the next day because the state of the toilet floor gives my OCD heart palpitations. How y’all miss the urinal by that much?!
  • Broken glass. You’re in the zone, feeling the vibe, the empty bottle in your hand is throwing you off, I get it. So… you just drop the bottle on the floor because you know, everyone loves dancing on broken glass. Try harder.
  • All things related to my hair and being black. I do not have the energy to go into depth, but there is something about a dark room, strobe lighting, alcohol or other substances and a black person with hair that has wypipo tryna do some hella out of pocket shit. It’s a post in of itself tbh.



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